listening to fishmans:: baby blue

lazy lazy lazy... *sleep now ( =_=)~~~zzzZZZ... shhhh

listening to don caballero:: you drink a lot of coffee for a teenager

tax time! wow, i feel so responsible. it must be because i took a shower. grwll... *ok my stomach is pleading with me. i really can't stand my mom! i need to move out of here. she has some legal problems with the landlord and now i find out that may 1st i better have all of my valuables off the premises cuz they might be confisgated as payment for damages she caused? and on top of that, it's her responsibility to buy food, but we never have any... and what we do have is not right. ppl cannot survive solely on yogurt and jam.

listening to chavez: ??? what song is this anyway... on the "ride the fader album"??? too lazy to look... all the songs are good...

ok... so why is it that i can post tons of messages in other ppl's guestbooks and yet i cannot update this page??? i'm updating now, but only cuz i feel stoopid. you know why? you really want to know??? cuz my life is boring! it's just day after day, of trying to remember what it was i was supposed to do and then finding that it's too late to do it. every now and then i make a list and i become semi productive. i've found that showers also seem to motivate me into doing something. maybe, then, i should just take showers constantly... until an idea comes to me... maybe i could put some musical instruments in there with me (wrapped in plastic maybe? blah... it's just hypothetic) and then i would actually acquire some keyboard savvy. hmmm... this seems like more a complaint board, than a record of daily life for me. i must be writing to myself a complaint. "i came to your store today and the staff was very rude!" sorry sir... errr... me. evil nick and good nick... battling it out in my head...
good nick: "let's make some music!"
bad nick: *yawn... let's read about other ppl, cuz they're more interesting and you don't have to think
good nick: you'll regret it later, that you wasted another day!
bad nick: *yawn *yawn
good nick: what's that supposed to mean? 'yawn?
bad nick: let's have some more lucid dreams, they're the best! and sleep is sooo comfy, don't you think?
good nick: you know you'll regret it! c'mon... maybe work on some flash animations? they're fun!
bad nick: let's go and watch some cartoons... they have animation... and it's better than yours and you laugh!

that's generally how it goes. bad nick is very convincing... he knows all of my weakspots. i have less ego than i did in high school. ego does NOT mean arrogance btw... i don't know where that connotation comes from. no, actually ego is "self"-- and i think it means the fidelity through which thought is carried into action. so let's say i have the thought to make some music... and i have a tune in my head... then the translation of that tune into sound represents my ego (very weak with music, but i want to change that). lately it seems like i have no ego. i have all these thoughts and none of them are realized... very depressing.
ppl might think "hey that's a nifty observation on ego! if you're such a weak person, then how did you come up with that thought?"... sadly i was a happenin' chap when i was 15-18 and then i started getting dumber. if i met myself when i was 17, then he would kick my @$$! rightfully so too!
i have this view on life derived from every suggestion and point of view i've ever heard about or read, mixed with my own and thrown into a darwinistic philosophy survival of the fittest. i started when i was 9 and i peaked out on it around 17 and to keep it evolving i started just coming up with really abstract stuff to test it out and refine it, like thinking only in pictures and shapes (this is really hard to communicate to someone else). if someone were to ask me "what is it? your philosophy?"... i wouldn't be able to answer... but if they asked some abstract and pointless question like "what's the meaning of life" or "why do ppl love?" or "what is love?" or "is there a god?", then i would be able to make a 5 page response outlining examples and tons of thought experiments... at the end of it, i'm not sure whether the answer would have been communicated, but then again i think everyone needs to find their own answer.
lately though i've been testing out some really disturbing instances, trying to find the logic in them, and running thought experiments on them... and i don't joke when i say i overly analyze everything... cuz i do...
is it true for all cultures? for all time periods? what are the facts in the here and now? looking at it in a 1000 year span? in the entire evolution of humanity? just to name a few experiments... but it really does go much much much further... sometimes ppl ask... did you ever think about what would happen if (anything) happenned? and 95% of the time the answer is yes, and then i rebut the question in 4 or 5 different flavors right back at them along with some possible conclusions. *yawn, no one could possibly sit here and read about how i pride my over thinking everything... and still be awake! i'm soooooOOOO boring!
philosophy... actually... i might take philosophy... a lot of reading... and vocabulary... hmmm... still... i may take it. not sure. modern day philosophers don't really impact society in any way, do they? and i don't mean artists cuz every artist has a philosophy and some try to express it, but my definition of philosopher is one who produces only thoughts as art. i find it funny that i believe i've found some very sound well, thought out to some of humanities "deep" thoughts, but does it make my standard of living any better? is doind what i desire any easier? do i get free chinese food at skilmon wok? nope. what if you could just pay for everything in thoughts? i don't think society would really be that productive. GHANDI !!! ok... i'm sooooOOOO wrong... i consider ghandi a philosopher and one of the strongest ego's ever thought>action carried out beautifully (and tragically *sigh... enlightenment is always at the mercy of the weakest minds cuz the weakest minds have the biggest gun). ok... i am only getting 2 hours of sleep at this rate... must stop

listening to windy & carl:: antarctica

i'm so lazy. *argh... but i'm working... no one reads this anyway...